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 Untitled...I really can't think of one

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Female Number of posts : 3
Age : 28
Age : 15
Registration date : 2006-08-15

PostSubject: Untitled...I really can't think of one   Tue Aug 15, 2006 2:54 pm

This is just the beginning of something I wrote a year ago, so I'm surprised I dare put it up. But please tell me what you think.
Very Happy

Despite the Earth's fascination with the stars, landing on the moon was as far as they had got. They barely even understood the primitive planets they had discovered, never mind the vastness beyond these planets. Hundreds of planets they had never seen, that they didn't even know the name of. There was thousands of species they have never heard the tongues of, and hundreds and thousands of horizons never yet seen. Capital cities still not awed. Culture's still not admired. Millions of sunsets on horizons never watched. There were still planets out there being born, it's inhabitants just pulled through the pains of labour and stepping out into the light blinking and confused. Simple creatures yet to grace evolution. And there were worlds that had already lived out their time and had been destroyed. Who had already lived, to them, something that felt like an eternity. And then died. Nevermind scratching the surface, Earth hadn't found the surface yet. And all for one reason.

Moss Bank 7 was not known for being particularly pleasant. It shook nastily in it's brackets and tilted dangerously when it reached a certain angle of it's rotation on the edge of the Milky Way.

The beds in the rooms were stapled to the floor and the uniforms for the workers were ugly and bloated about the body they encased in their itchy form. Lying in the garden wearing said garment, Tala was contemplating the very subject of Moss Bank 7. His body was slender.

He was a hybrid child, straight from the The Farm itself, and he was extraordinarily more easy on the eye than the rickety Bank he lived in. Under the ugly suit his body was defined lightly with muscles, his skin smoother than an adolescent's should be. His eyes were an ethereal green, his hair as vivid as someone's best memory.

The garden was a small, square area with the trees from a far flung planet Tala had never heard of, and birds from his own home planet. The combination didn't seem to mix and the birds spent the majority of the time flapping terrified in the air, hovering over strange branches unknown to them and raising a cacophony of sound that made Tala's skull reverberate.

Moss Bank 7 couldn't get anything right. It couldn't even order the right type of trees for it's garden. The ceiling was made of the same net many children back at his home planet had on their bedroom ceilings to comfort them into sleep. PsychiNet was an old phenomena but no less practical for keeping your troublesome child occupied for a few hours. It created the scenery of whatever it's owner wanted it to.

Unfortunately, Moss Bank 7's PsychiNet was locked as it wasn't for personal use, simply there to enhance the feeling it's inhabitants were in the fresh air, or else Tala would have put a stop to the permanently bright blue sky studded with clouds. It was nauseatingly bright and alarmingly similar to torture for a young boy brought up on Tetchna, a planet known for snow year-round, icy winds, and snow-tsunamis. For four of it's months there were two hours of sunlight in it's ten hour day a day, and in the other ten months of it's year, the sky was so dark the sun looked so achingly beautiful and bright even it's inhabitants took time to admire it often.

Tala wasn't good with the permanent sunshine of the garden at Moss Bank 7 but at least it got him away from the oppressively small cabin he lived in it and his equally oppressive and equally small roommate. Archie Tundra could easily walk under the lower bunk bed in the cabin.

Tala shut his eyes slowly, pretending to be asleep. His eyelashes fluttered slightly.
"Tala. Are you awake?"
A shadow fell over Tala's pale face.
"If you want to go home, I suggest you get up and pay attention,"
Tala's eyes shot open. The sun temporarily blinded him so he threw his forearm over his eyes as he leapt up. He blinked at the tall creature before him and gave a small smile.
"Yeah. The ship that was supposed to take you home next week has been having wiring problems for a couple of days and they discovered the whole thing has to be completely re-wired. It'll take a month. So the ship taking our latest set of retirees home is letting you take a ride,"

Tala nearly kissed the creature's swollen lips but even his elation prevented him from touching those overly-blood-vessel-filled objects.

"Really. Go on, get your bags packed and say goodbye to Archie. I've signed your form, saying you did your time,"
Tala found no time in his excitement to bother to say goodbye to his Commander and left the garden in a quicker fashion than he had done entering it.
"I'm going home! I'm going home! Woo!" Tala whooped, banging the walls and ceilings with his hands, thumping the cramped corridor like a champion would kiss a cup or slap his team mates on the back.
"Woo! Home! Come on!"
He nearly trod on Archie upon entering his bunks.
"Oh, Tala, hello," the little Okan smiled. He leapt with the spring only an Okan could posses and landed on the tip of Tala's bunk.
"What's all this fuss about?"
"I'm going home Archie, I'm going home!!"
"Home? Oh, yes. Home. I thought that was scheduled for next week?"
"I don't care Archie, I'm leaving! Ha-ha!"
"Well I hope you learnt your lesson Tala. Do you remember why you were put on Moss Bank 7?"
Tala was too busy digging around in his compartment to listen to Archie. He was singing under his breath. "Tetchna, Tetchna, Tetchna, I'm going back to you, I could laugh, I will sing, I could cuss …erm…something, something, something…hope there's room for one more on your surface!"
Archie busied himself tucking in the corner of Tala's bed sheets. His nimble fingers made light work of the silk.

"So, no longer will you help us in our quest to keep the Veil closed. No longer will you help us keep the vastness of space hidden from those that will hurt it. No longer-"

"Shut up Archie," Tala said, not being able to help a giggle escape his lips, "Do you have any idea how long I have waited for this?"
"Two Central years, which is how long you've been here-"
Tala threw his clothes into the awaiting bag he had ripped open. His shoes landed inside the bag with a soft 'whump'.
"Well if you're not going to listen to me I won't talk," Archie grumbled, "I have intelligence far beyond you and yet you never hear me speak. I could be explaining life itself and you wouldn't care,"
"No I wouldn't,"

Tala aimed his bag of pendants at his travel bag.
"Remember when I found that beetle? That species from earth? I knew it's name in Latin, a language of which half of Earth's stupid inhabitants can't understand themselves!"
"Hey, you're talking to a hybrid here, keep your mouth shut,"
Saying those delicious words made Tala shiver with delight.
"Now, out of these clothes,"
He ripped his shirt off, throwing it into his bag. He slammed himself flat on his back and began to wriggle out of the ugly sack-like jeans. Archie turned around.

"You don't even acknowledge my presence enough to ask for some privacy when you get undressed,"
Tala whipped on his own clothes, a luxury he was often denied on Moss Bank 7.
"Bye Archie," Tala panted, zipping up his bag. He slipped off his bunk and ran without looking back through the cabin front door.

At the docking bay, Tala stood in front of Moss Bank 7's Leading Director Caleb Shirley, holding his bag behind his back and trying to suppress the smile on his face.
"I hope you learnt your lesson during your stay here Tala,"
"Yes Sir. I have Sir. Thank you Sir,"
"Don't thank me. This was a punishment. Don't thank me for your punishment!"
"Oh! Oh Ok Sir. Sorry Sir,"
"That's fine Tala,"
Caleb was known for slight mood swings from time to time.
"Now get back to your home planet you pathetic little punk,"
Tala moved off, cowering a little in Caleb's immense shadows, "Yes Sir,"
"And I hope they're not too hard on you when you get back," he chirped, waving a hand.

As Tala wound his way between the retirees of Moss Bank 7 who were saying - either tearfully or jubilantly - goodbye to their home and their friends. He found a seat near the back and strapped himself in.

For some reason, his stomach felt tight and adrenaline made his hands twitch. Caleb had raised a big issue. They'd already sent him to Moss Bank 7. What were they going do to him when he got back? He had no-where to go. The system probably didn't want him anymore. Suddenly Moss Bank 7, even in it's creaky brackets, seemed more safe and secure than his homeland.
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
Kips (Big Shot/ admin)

Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Untitled...I really can't think of one   Tue Aug 15, 2006 3:30 pm

I HATE THE NAME CALEB! There's this evil guy in buffy called caleb... ANYWAY,

There was some repetition in the first paragraph, but I liked the vocab you use and the speech seems very good, very in character. I'd be interested in reading more, well done!
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Mod in a tam 'o shanter
Mod in a tam 'o shanter

Female Number of posts : 129
Age : 27
Location : England :]
Age : 14
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Untitled...I really can't think of one   Wed Aug 16, 2006 4:43 pm

this is a great story, i cant wait to read more! *hint hint* lol

i love the way the scene was set with the first paragraph and the way youve made up planets and creatures but they seem so realistic and completley believable!

brilliant work :]

Good Friendships Are Like Wetting Your Pants:

Everyone Can See It But Only You Can Feel Its True Warmth. Thankyou For Being The Piss In My Pants.
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Mod in a straw hat
Mod in a straw hat

Male Number of posts : 84
Age : 28
Location : Northern Ireland
Age : 16
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Untitled...I really can't think of one   Fri Aug 18, 2006 5:26 am

cool story Very Happy i love the fact that its set in space because we dont normaly get that Razz You should defiantly write more!


T'is me that's XD
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Female Number of posts : 3
Age : 28
Age : 15
Registration date : 2006-08-15

PostSubject: Re: Untitled...I really can't think of one   Mon Aug 21, 2006 5:50 am

Thanks for your comments everyone. This bit may be a bit boring...that's why I posted the next bit up too..

"And what, exactly, do you think we should do with you now, Tala?"
Tala shuffled in the open box. He looked at the floor then carefully back up at the imposing hybrid man. Was it a trick question?
"Um…I don't know, Sir,"
"Well, in our eyes, you have two options. Number one: to go back the orphanage from which you came from. Number two: your original home,"
Tala blinked. What did he mean 'original home'?
"The Farm, Tala. Where you grew up,"
Tala felt his stomach melt to his toes. The colour flushed from his face and his hands became clammy.
"And the board decided not too long ago, that The Farm really is the best place for you. I'm afraid we have no where else to put you. Dealing with you costs our board too much money,"
"It's nice to know I'm wanted," Tala grumbled.
"Pardon?" the hybrid enquired, leaning forward a little.
"Nothing, Sir,"
The man wrote a few things down in his notebook.
"So, we'll schedule you a flight to the Farm for tomorrow morning. We've booked you a room in a hotel for tonight. Is that OK?"
Tala sighed heavily and knocked the front of the open box with his toe.
"Is that OK, Tala?"
"No. Not really. I don't want to go back to the Farm. I'm sure the Farm doesn't want me back. Why can't you just put me up as emancipated and I'll go on my merry way. You won't have to hear from me again. I just don't want to go back to the Farm! I'd rather go back to Moss Bank 7,"
"Really?" the judge murmured, interested, raising an eyebrow.
Tala blanched, "God no, I didn't mean literally! It's just…hypothetically speaking…I'd rather spend the rest of my life back on Moss Bank 7 then go to the Farm! And you really think those jerks want me back?"
"Since I am not familiar with the term 'jerk', I'm simply going to answer your question by saying: the opinions of the Farm on your return have nothing to do with anything,"
"Yeah, but you can't deny that they don't want me back!" Tala cried, shaking a finger to accentuate his weak point. The handcuffs clattered as he did so. The sound echoed into the following silence.
"Tala," the judge sighed, "You're an intelligent boy, and I must admit it is a shame to send someone back from the Farm, even though they only left for pure punishment reasons. But you need to be somewhere where people can stop you from doing these stupid, impulsive things that you're attracted to carrying out! I know it's not the right place for a pure-blooded Tetchnan but it's the best we can do for you boy,"
"How is escaping trying to escape from the Farm fifty million times impulsive, I planned those breakouts for months,"
The judge lifted his small stamp and slammed it onto Tala's file.
"Case closed," he sighed, with obvious relief, and frisbeed the folder down to the officer by the box, "I hope I never have to see you again, Tala,"
Tala didn't even bother to struggle when they lead him out of the courtroom. He was met outside by a stern-faced Koran. The Koran race was very common in Tetchna, and were peaceful, tender creatures with pink opalescent skin and washed-out blue hair. This one though, had thick beefy hands and the grip of a machine. He undid Tala's handcuffs and pulled him by the wrist along the corridor at such a speed Tala was having to trot to stop himself falling face first. He was yanked into a side room where he was issued once again with his clothes.
"Get changed," the Koran said, pointing to his clothes. Tala ripped off the standard court-room uniform that was required in a Tetchna courthouse, and became reacquainted with his own clothes. As he wriggled into his socks, he noticed the Koran reading his file.
"You are being picked up by a car, and being taken to the Hotel S99. An official from the Farm will pick you up in the morning,"

The Farm was so horrifyingly similar to how it had been when he left, Tala couldn't quite believe it. The official manhandled him out of the car once it had eased into the large square car park walled in by at least ten feet of snow.
"Come on,"
Tala was hauled across the icy tarmac that would be hard and unforgiving if he were to fall.
"Up," the man snapped, hitching Tala up onto the first step of the cabin in which the office staff huddled. Tala stumbled up the stairs, wrists strapped together, and staggered through the door splattered with frozen hailstone marks.
"Tala!" a young woman at the only desk with a computer cried. Her ponytail seemed so lose there looked to be no need for the little blue band lost in her tangle of nut-brown hair, "Wow, I heard a rumour that you were coming back, but I didn't think it'd really happen,"
Unless you had two blue stars on your uniform, rumours were all you had. Tala, being only a lowly 'student' - as the civilians were called at The Farm - used to depend so much on rumours and gossip that talking to anyone outside of The Farm had been a strange experience.
Tala nodded wearily. He was pushed unceremoniously into the middle of the room, onto the white square painted on the floor, and froze as the pulse field zinged into life around him.
"Hi Miss Jenny," he said, deadpanned. Miss Jenny leapt to her feet - growling possessively at the secretary trying to sneak up behind to snatch a minute on the lone computer - and trotted over to Tala. She drew up about half a foot from the pulse field and waved over it at him.
"Hello Tala. It's nice to have you back. We'd better organise your files and stuff, haven't we? Put you in with an…appropriate family,"
"Wasn't my last one appropriate?"
Miss Jenny paused, "Tala. You burnt down their home. That was…that was one of the many things that you did to them,"
"I didn't mean to though, did I?"
The entire office staff raised their eyebrows over their work.
"I really didn't. This isn't fair,"
Miss Jenny wavered nervously on the spot as the office staff sniggered to themselves.
"And why have you put as pulse-field up? I'm going to bolt,"
Eyebrows were once again raised into hairlines. Tala growled at the back of his throat and clattered the shackles on his wrists.
"Please," he snapped.
Miss Jenny simply smiled at him. The office staff didn't budge.
"We're moving you into House 4-2," a man leafing through the house directory at the back called, "The Dama Family. Neighbourhood…6,"
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PostSubject: Re: Untitled...I really can't think of one   Mon Aug 21, 2006 5:54 am

Tala kicked back the duvet and stared at the underside of the bunk bed above him. He hadn't slept properly since his last night on Moss Bank 7, and his mind craved the heavy drape of sleep. Nausea still tumbled around his stomach, and he felt dirty from the uncomfortable journey. The entire Farm had gone without showers that night, thanks to a part of the water system being uncovered by a few nesting snow-creatures, exposing the water to the freeing evening temperatures. The main water supply had been frozen, and they'd had to dig out the Thawer to melt the block of sheer ice in the main tank.

Tala tripped from his bed, and made his way over to the window. There was no-one in the bunk above him, and the rest of the house seemed suitably asleep. He brushed back the curtain and slotted into the alcove the window sat in. All of The Farm's houses were designed like this, with the window set into an alcove so that the windowsill was three times the size of a regular one. Tala fitted his body behind the curtain and curled up against the thick glass. It was almost impossible to break the glass because of it's density, which stopped it from being smashed to pieces when the hail storms rolled around at the end of the year.

Neighbourhood 6 was quiet, and completely covered with snow. A few cars were out on the street, their owners letting them brave the windy night. The street lamps were turned off to try and discourage people from going outside after dark. It was easy to get lost through the streets and wonder out onto the dunes, where the snow creatures took you for the enemy. Tala peered upwards, craning up to look at the sky. A flew clouds studded the area, but otherwise the sky was a dark expanse, lit up brightly by nearby stars that pock-marked the black sheen.

The two moons were their regular blood colour, lighting up the dunes with a red-hue that silhouetted a few snow creatures dome-shaped nests. Tala tried to calculate where Moss Bank 7 would be. Like many of the colder planets, Tetchna was close to the Veil. Void of people until a few brave businessmen set up The Farm, it had been a haven for animals and insects that closely derived from the planets inside the Veil. Earth, for example. Their counterparts on other, more populated planets, were hunted for their associated with the Veil, whereas Tetchna creatures lived in the snow in complete peace.

Tala turned his gaze back down to the streets, and watched the silhouette of a figure moving around in their brightly-lit front room. They shuffled around, with a fat blob of a body, shuffling sofa cushions and rearranging the curtains on their hangers. Tala was beginning to be lulled to sleep by watching the menial tasks and the patter of the beginnings of snow on the window, when the creature eased over to the light switch.

Tala caught a glimpse of something shoot past the window, a blur of black and dense shadow, before the room went black. Tala sat up, staring into the darkness swamping the edges of one of Neighbourhood 6's biggest houses. The person in the front room must have spotted something too, as the light turned back on and a fat, bloated face was pressed against the glass, wide eyes turning this way and that to catch the culprit. Eventually, they pulled away, leaving a greasy fog on the glass, and the light was thrown off again.

Twitching and shuffling on the spot, Tala restlessly kept a look out. He'd heard that Neighbourhood he was assigned to had been having problems with snow creatures becoming more and more adventurous. They'd been knocking over bins and snaffling meals. There was even a story about one making it's way through a partially opened window and into a child's nursery. Tala hadn't believed the story, knowing just how superstitious Farm people were, but now he wondered if they'd shut all the windows at the Dama house.

He tripped out from behind the curtain and tiptoed downstairs, down the long carpeted and the curling metal staircase. The kitchen was lit by a smudge of green glow from the clock, but that was all. The windows were tightly shut and covered by the thick drapes. Tala tugged on his boots and wrapped himself up in his coat. His resistance to the cold was remarkable, even for a full-blooded Tetchnan, but even Tala couldn't go out with at least some appropriate clothing. Wincing, he unlatched the front door, and slid the code-card through the laser that created a key-chain on the door. The code was recognised and the alarm shut down with a low whir.

Tala clung to the door in suspended animation, waiting to see if Mr Dama was going to come running down the stairs brandishing something with which to club him to death with. No such thing happened. Carefully, Tala slid through the open door, and shut it after him. He was hit with a wave of cool, fresh Tetchna air. It was like being hit with a bucket of cold water, but after spending a day in the official building getting weighed and measured and assigned to a new school and home it was a pleasure for Tala. He crept down the front lawn, leaving footprints in the snow, and ducked close to the hedge.

The house a little further down the street was still dark, and there were no skulking shadows flicking about. He rushed across the road, afraid of being recognised by any of the neighbours. Ducking behind some bins, he tiptoed carefully to the house he'd been watching. Above him, the sky was lightening with the early morning sunlight, and the red had been washed from the moons. They were sunk heavily in the sky, the two suns taking their place and spreading faint light into the sky above him.

It was dark enough though, still dark enough for Tala to feel confident moving around. He pressed himself against the house and listened. The back garden was a swathe of black. A few birds pecked on the patio but there was no other movement.

He waited for half an hour, his hands slowly going numb. His body was working hard to keep him warm and he felt his heat racing at the speed appropriate for beign caught in a snowstorm. Not being on Tetchna for so long had made him weaker to the snow. Huffing and harrumphing angrily he positioned him solidly next to the bins and told himself to wait until the sun was fully up. Tala was going to force his old abilities of being able to stand snow-storms with only one extra layer to re-emerge. He gave up on the shadow, and began to doze in the snow, comforted by the sun beginning to warm the air.

The sun was almost completely up when Tala stirred. He kicked his legs about, confused for a moment as to why he was buried in snow. He barely had time to remember where he was and why, when a foot caught on his arm. With a 'whump' somebody hit the snow, the momentum of their fallen body digging their knee into Tala's chest.

"Ah! What the hell?" Tala staggered up, the foot caught in the crook of his arm. In the half-dark, something was snarling and snapping at him, shaking it's leg to try and get it's foot free. Tala flapped his arm and the foot dropped heavily into the snow.

"Whose there?" Tala cried, forgetting to lower to his voice so as not to wake the sleeping neighbours. He vaguely registered the trundle of the truck delivering everybody's weekly shopping as it did every second day of the week at dawn. Before he could hide from it's bright lights, a hand was clamped tightly around his mouth, and another - equally cold - tugged him into the shadow of the bins.

The truck passed, heading to it's staring post at the top of the neighbourhood. But the hand remained on his mouth, the other arm wrapped around his chest and constricting his breathing. He kicked and squirmed and eventually took drastic action. He threw his head back, and the back of his skull connected with a 'crack' with something equally hard.
"Ah!" whoever it was screeched behind him, falling into the snow. Tala fell forward against the side of the house, his fingers freezing to the icy concrete.

"Dammit," he hissed, tugging. A bit of the skin on the pads of his fingers was ripped off and he turned with smarting hands to swear at whoever was in the snow.
"What the hell were doing, idiot!"

The snow around the fallen body was marked with specs of blood, and the lower half of the person's face was smeared with it.
"What were you doing?" Tala hissed. He couldn't make out exactly what the thing was, but it was of similar height to him and snarling at him in a blood-thirsty way. The lampposts were flicked on to combat the low light level during the day, and the thing in the snow was illuminated.
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