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 Envey

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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:05 am

Tears ran down her palel face as she looked to the floor. The crimson tears that filled her friend’s eyes. No where to go. No where to run. Annabel was stuck there, Corrupted by her own envy. All she did was love him. Why did she do such a bad thing? She picked up the butchers knife and tried to clean it. The thoughts running through her head of what is going to happen. She tried to pick up Ambers corpse but it was too heavy. She dragged it to the closet and tossed it in. She tried everything to clean the floor that was covered in her friend’s deep colored blood. Going into the bottom shelve Annabel got out the floor cleanser. She heard someone knock on the door. “Who is it?” She yelled from the kitchen
“Its Andrew now open up”
“Just a minuet” Annabel had to do something she couldn’t just open the door looking like that. She took of her shirt and covered the blood that stained her light blond hair. She ran to the front door and opened it.
“Yes Andrew?” She asked hoping he would go away.
“Have you seen Amber she said she was coming over to your house tonight?”
“Well, Yeah She is over here” Annabel let out a nervous laugh
“Well, Can I talk to her?” Andrew asked trying to push his way into the house.
Just then they both heard a load bang in the kitchen. Annabel locked the door on Andrew and ran to the noise. Sure enough Amber’s pail dead body lay fallen out of the closet. Annabel got a pen and paper and started to write a suicide note. That read
“Dear world I am sorry I had to so this I just don’t love anyone anymore and I did this so I wouldn’t hurt anyone” She then ran back to the door and told Andrew that she ran up stairs and couldn’t find Amber then she invited him in to look.
“I’ll go to the bathroom upstairs you go to the kitchen” said Andrew. Annabel let out a fake scream and Andrew ran down the stairs they called 911 and waited the police got there as well and the health people. No one ever did find out the truth about Annabel and two months later her and Andrew where dating and happy. Everything was fine, No one really asked about Amber’s death, and everyone moved on. Annabel didn’t know why her nightmares started now. Dreams of her friend coming back from the grave. And it scared her. She just hoped that no one found out. Everywhere she went it seemed like people where looking more and more into it. Wondering why she did that, Amber had always been a happy person no one ever dreamed of her doing that. Annabel had always been jalousie of Andrew and Amber but that one night, she took it too far. What if she did it again?
“Anna” Andrew said turning to her
“Yes my love?” She answered back
“Well, I was thinking and……………. I think Amber was murdered...”
“No, No, No... She even told me she was thinking about it”
Anna moved next door to Andrew because her parents didn’t want to live in a house where someone had died. But no madder where she went ambers soul haunted her. Prying for revenge. Anna couldn’t sleep that night a year had gone buy and she just needed to go see where and what she did that night. It was 2:04 Am; she was walking down the street, the street lights casting a dim shadow. She was at the house. Sitting on the counter is she could just take back time then everything would be fine. Annabel hurt a thump from up stairs and ran to go see what it was.
“Annabel sweet Annabel” She heard Andrews voice call.
“Andrew” She said letting out a sigh “You scared me” She laughed
“I know what you did, I know you killed Amber” He said walking closer to Anna
“What… No, I would never" Annabel said backing up
"So why did yuo do it?"
"For you. I did it for yuo I wanted yuo for my own I didn't mean to kill her"
“But you did” Andrew yelled then pushed Anna down the stares
No one knew what went on that day... And everyone thought that Anna committed suicide over her lost friend

The end
Shocked


Last edited by on Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:15 am; edited 1 time in total
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:12 am

Argh scary little smiely at the end!! anyway, this is pretty good, although you could work on adding some more detail and stuff, just to give us a feel for what's going on and stop the story from being too confusing. Razz but well done!! oh yeah, and you spelt the wrong sort of pale at the beginning, you spelt pail, as in the bucket. But yeah, a good start!
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:15 am

Embarassed Bad spelling Smile rabbit
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:22 am

Urgh, my spelling is really awful! So dont worry about it! alien wow, these smielys really roick...
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:24 am

I know!!! pig There us not Cow smile No pale bounce
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:28 am

Oh well, Im enough of a cow for us all! cheers
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:30 am

CAn I hug you then Smile
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:41 am

Oh go on then! pale
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:48 am

Mwahahah *hugs Admin*
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Admin
Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:53 am

affraid my name's not admin!! never call me that again! Im Kips...
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Manzanna
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Female Number of posts : 3
Age : 26
Location : Alberta, Canada YeeHaw!
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : huh?
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: Envey   Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:17 pm

Well there are lots of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes, but I'm sure if you take the time to read over the story you'll find them.

First thing you need to do though is space out your paragraphs. It makes the whole piece look a hell of a lot better and its easier to read. You make a new paragraph every time somebody talks or the subject changes.

This story didn't really have much of a plot line or much character development either. You need to slow it down and take the time to describe everything and just elaborate on everything.

After you fix those I'd be happy to pick out any more little mistakes.

You have to be patient with writing, it takes time. After you write the first draft it still needs to be read over and revised about five times until its exactly to your liking. Then its ready to be shown to the public eye.
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