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 The Anarchy Of America

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Should I continue?
Yes.
86%
 86% [ 6 ]
No.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Couldn't care less.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
That's up to you.
14%
 14% [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 7
 

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Acinonyx Jubatus
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PostSubject: The Anarchy Of America   Fri Aug 11, 2006 2:37 pm

This is only the prologue. I waven't started it yet and would like some comments on it. Twisted Evil

Year 2010 A.D.

The sky was dark and desolate. Trash cans with burning trash stood along the sidewalks. The roads were littered with the corpses of lawbreakers. Much had changed since America was taken over.

It wasn’t a war that did this. It was a simple bad call by the people of America. He told them everything that they wanted to hear. Eighty-five percent of the votes went to him. He took the oath like all the presidents before him, but after his first two weeks in office, everything changed.

In only a matter of days it happened. He managed to destroy his opponents and diminish the other houses. Now he is the sole ruler of America. Now Madin Long, after evading the military, has made it his mission to hunt down, and kill the Anarchist.


Last edited by on Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
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Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: The Anarchy Of America   Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:01 pm

Yes! You managed to capture my attention is the first few lines and trust me, that's not easy! So yeah, please do!!
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Manzanna
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PostSubject: Re: The Anarchy Of America   Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:08 pm

Quote :
Trash cans with burning trash stood along the sidewalks.

I know that there will be trash in the trash cans, so you don't really need to clarify that.

Quote :
It was a simple bad call by he people of America.

Bolded the mistake. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out whats wrong with it. Wink

First off you have no idea how happy it made me when I saw the properly space paragraphs!

I think that there needs to be more descriptive detail in the first paragraph.

I would write it differently: The sky was dark and desolate. The corpses of previous lawbreakers littered the roads with the drifting smoke from burning trash passing over them. Thats kind of how I would write, but I just wrote it off the top of my head.

Try to show the picture you see in your head. Use all five of your senses. Describe obviously what it looks like, what you can hear (possibly screams of victims), the sharp smell of burning bodies, the taste of the smoke on your tongue etc.

I guess its a prolouge so it doesn't need all that much detail.

Good job though, and I'd definetley be interested in reading more.
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PostSubject: Re: The Anarchy Of America   Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:23 pm

yeah, i very rarely look at short stories in big light ... and this is good ... very good for a prologue ... it would be interesting to read further ... i loved it ...
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Acinonyx Jubatus
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PostSubject: Re: The Anarchy Of America   Fri Aug 11, 2006 6:08 pm

I probably won't be starting this one yet. Right now I'm working on my curent story, The Origin of Knight Thorn (shameful plug). Which is taking most of my time. But I'm glad you enjoyed The Anarchy of America prologue.
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PostSubject: Re: The Anarchy Of America   Sat Aug 26, 2006 8:25 pm

yea, i may be late on this but i think it's brilliant, i do want to read more...whenever ur ready i suppose
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