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 then she felt he'd changed the world

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foaf.scribble
Mod in a tam 'o shanter
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Female Number of posts : 129
Age : 27
Location : England :]
Age : 14
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: then she felt he'd changed the world   Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:22 pm

Then she felt he’d changed the world
Every tear felt so alone
He’s scared to say
That I love you doesn’t look right
On a face that’s so tight
Sleeping on a cold night
Seems so close to this night.

Will it ever be the same
Tomorrow is another day
Hold your last breath
Like I held you that last night
Held you in my arms tight
Waiting till the times right
When I can let you go

Just so you know
Ill bite my tongue
Keep the reasons from you
Ill let you know
Another time
When cowards do what cowards do.
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: then she felt he'd changed the world   Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:27 pm

I love the words and the feeling conveyed! The rhythm is ok too; unique. The one problem I found was that at least in the first stanza, some of the rhyming didn't work out. Wait, I should stop critisising in the Final product category... sorry!
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foaf.scribble
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Female Number of posts : 129
Age : 27
Location : England :]
Age : 14
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: then she felt he'd changed the world   Fri Aug 11, 2006 1:30 pm

aha no thats fine, even final products need a little critiscism sometimes!

the first stanza?
the first three lines shouldn't rhyme anyways but yeah, i hate it when people use the same word to ryhme e.g. night rhyming with night...and its what ive done lol

x||x
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cathastings
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Female Number of posts : 34
Age : 26
Location : Behind you!
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Umm, does that mean what I write? Poety.
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: then she felt he'd changed the world   Sun Aug 13, 2006 5:01 am

I agree that the first stanza is a bit off, but it's just a little bit, that could easily be fixed. Smile But overall, it's a good poem. Well done. Smile
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fallen_fairy425
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Female Number of posts : 12
Age : 28
Location : In the dark, but I can still see you!!!
Age : 16
Writing forte/s : poetry
Registration date : 2006-08-17

PostSubject: Re: then she felt he'd changed the world   Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:30 pm

yea i agree about the first stanza but hey we all get a lil off the rhyming sometimes! lol i know i do. Good poem though overall!
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