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 The holy ground from whence I came

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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: The holy ground from whence I came   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:22 pm

I'll be the first poetic genius to put up a poem then... I think the rhythm is a bit off at time. Suggestions?


A hand reaches out to grasp the flower
from whence came the first death and sin,
a smile without fangs, disguising heartbreak,
a lie dripping in sweet, sweet honey.

And so I swear, it is my hand,
that dares to touch the fire.
With a garner, shining bright,
like a dying knight's old armour.

Wearing down, with petals new,
so delicate to touch.
and yet no eyes will cry the blood
of what was slaughtered here.

This holy ground, I class as mine,
with harmonized alleigance,
where soon a rainfall will destroy
the sanity of soldiers.

A hand reaches out to grasp the flower
from whence came the first death and sin,
a smile without fangs, disguising heartbreak,
a lie dripping in sweet, sweet honey.
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: The holy ground from whence I came   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:26 pm

Hrm.. I think the rthem is off but you said that. But other then that I think it is fine I am just thinking on how to fix it now.
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drifting
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Female Number of posts : 13
Age : 25
Location : powell river
Age : 13
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: The holy ground from whence I came   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:37 pm

i agree.the flow seems off. mostly only in some places. the first segment seems to not flow as well as the others. but i do like it.
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Lachrymose_Emily3
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Female Number of posts : 7
Age : 21
Age : Nine
Writing forte/s : Poetry
Registration date : 2006-08-13

PostSubject: Re: The holy ground from whence I came   Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:52 am

Exilant poem you should be implowd for Shakespere if he was alife.


(From Your sis)

Very Happy Very Happy sunny
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Lachrymose_Emily3
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Female Number of posts : 7
Age : 21
Age : Nine
Writing forte/s : Poetry
Registration date : 2006-08-13

PostSubject: Re: The holy ground from whence I came   Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:53 am

Exilant poem you should be implowd for Shakespere if he was alife.


(From Your sis)

Very Happy Very Happy sunny
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Admin
Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: The holy ground from whence I came   Thu Aug 17, 2006 4:02 pm

Use the spell check noggin! Write for shakespere??? urgh... hate him... besides, lets make him do his on work, eh nem?
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foaf.scribble
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Female Number of posts : 129
Age : 27
Location : England :]
Age : 14
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: The holy ground from whence I came   Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:06 am

ahaha yeah he was a copycat, a womaniser and a thief. he got other people to write the scripts and then passed them off as his own lol

anywhoo
apart from the rhythm, as so many wonderful people have commented on, i think its a great poem. i like the way the first verse is then repeated at the end, it really makes it stand out and have an effect.

x||x

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