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 To Far because of me

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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:16 pm

Every time she looks at me… I feel her Cold heartless stare.
“John, don’t cry” Alisha said Picking up the sharp 8 inch blade.
It’s hard not to that sycotic bitch is killing me. The tape on my mouth made it hard not to. I had no clue where I was. I didn’t care either. I just wanted out. She walked out of the cold, silver room she tossed me into. I tried to scream but nothing came of it. You stupid boy you’re just wasting your breath I thought to myself. I felt the cold chill when she walked back in.
“John, John, John… What to do to you next” She laughed, She came close with the blade again, Sweat dripping of me. She cut the duck tape off.
“You stupid bitch!” I yelled at her.
“I only did this so I could hear you scream!” She yelled back.
Alisha has always been this way I was just trying to help her take her out on a date or two… I learned never! To mess with a girls feelings. She put the knife into my left arm and slid the blade down. I didn’t scream knowing that is what she wanted me to do. The pain was not so bad. People cut all the time this is just like that. I was more scared of what she was going to do next. Tools all over the room Nail guns, Drills… When was she going to stop! Where was it going to stop?
“Tell me you love me” She whispered in my ear.
I spat in her face and laughed. It wasn’t the smartest thing to do; I wasn’t going to make it anyways. The wood plank and the nail gun I would rather die then do this. I had my plan. She got out the nail gun as I stood up. She shot, but it missed her target and hit my heart. The 12 inch nail pierced through. Alisha screamed. She meant to hurt me but never to take it this far. Just then the police ran through the door, They where to late.. I was going to die. There was nothing left to do then go with my fait. Everything fainted to a dul gray… I closed my eyes and prayed to wake up.
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Kips (Big Shot/ admin)
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Female Number of posts : 146
Age : 26
Location : England
Age : Thirteen
Writing forte/s : Weird poetry and awful stories!
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:27 pm

This is dramatic and pretty good but again spelling is an issue and also grammer. Do you type it up in Word? Cause you can use the spell checker to sort all that out. Also, it can be a bit confusing... but yeah, I liked it all around, you have some nice descriptions in there and it's got the drama going on!
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:29 pm

I did it on word O.o
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skippy
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Male Number of posts : 13
Age : 28
Location : Nebraska
Age : 16
Writing forte/s : horror
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:40 pm

I would love to see more added to it, like in the begining, yet its great the way it is, i really dont have anything to say to this
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:46 pm

ya, I was thinking of adding more of like how they got to the point and how he did rong to her.. And make it less confuseing
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Silent
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Male Number of posts : 84
Age : 28
Location : Northern Ireland
Age : 16
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:48 pm

Quote :
The wood plank and the nail gun I would rather die then do this

I didn’t understand that part... but all around nice Razz write some more to this, like skippy said would be interesting to know the beginning
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 12:51 pm

I know I Don't get that eaither Lol... lol! But I was getting that she was gunna like nail his hands to the plank..
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Manzanna
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Female Number of posts : 3
Age : 26
Location : Alberta, Canada YeeHaw!
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : huh?
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 2:57 pm

Just a warning I'm a harsh critiquer, so don't be offended.

Quote :
Every time she looks at me I feel her Cold heartless stare.

Cold doesn't have to be capitalized. You don't need the dot things they're no necessary. Feel should be felt so its in the proper tense. It would be fine just as "Every time she looks at me I feel her cold heartless stare."

Quote :
“John, don’t cry” Alisha said(Need a comma after said) Picking up the sharp 8 inch blade.

You have to spell out your numbers.

Quote :
It’s hard not to that sycotic bitch is killing me.

Spelling: psychotic

Quote :
I feel her Cold heartless stare.
I just wanted out. She walked out of the cold, silver room she tossed me into.
I felt the cold chill when she walked back in.

You sure use the world cold alot. Try and make food use of a thesaurus.

Quote :
Alisha has always been this way I was just trying to help her take her out on a date or two… I learned never! To mess with a girls feelings.

That whole sentence is awkward. Try "Alisha had always been this way, I was just trying to help her--take her out on a date or two. I learned to never mess with this girl's feelings."
Also remember to stay in the proper tense.

Quote :
The 12 inch nail pierced through. Alisha screamed. She meant to hurt me but never to take it this far. Just then the police ran through the door, They where to late.. I was going to die.

Whoa! How the heck are we supposed to know why the police are there. How did they know to go there? Who contacted them?
That sentence has major grammar problems as well. Try something like "Just then the police ran through the door, but they were too late; I knew I was already dying.

Quote :
There was nothing left to do then go with my fait. Everything fainted to a dul gray… I closed my eyes and prayed to wake up

Spelling mistakes: fate, dull.
I am not satisfied with the ending. I want more detail, I need it!

Well the story doesn't really have much of a plot or background information. It needs that desperately. It feels like you're telling the story instead of showing it to us. (I hope you get what I mean.)

The characters we know nothing about. Why is Alisha doing that to John? All we know is that she has weird feelings. John we don't know anything about either.

This story is in dire need of elaboration and much more detail. It needs a lot of editing, and revising. It may have potential but it is hard to tell at this point.

You can ignore my advice if you choose, but I do hope you will use to help yourself improve.
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AngelWithTheScabbedWings
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Female Number of posts : 218
Age : 26
Location : Powell River B.C, Canada
Age : 14
Writing forte/s : Horror and Poems
Registration date : 2006-08-11

PostSubject: Re: To Far because of me   Fri Aug 11, 2006 3:14 pm

Thank yuo I will look into it. It was my first attempt so.. Ya.
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Tomato
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Male Number of posts : 3
Location : Australia
Age : 17
Writing forte/s : short stories & Poetry of all sorts
Registration date : 2006-09-11

PostSubject: To Far because of me   Mon Sep 11, 2006 5:27 am

Your story is actually quite breathtaking. It definitely has the energy and vibe for this type of story. So for this i would give you top marks. However, it is your lack of plot and the grammatical and spelling errors that let you down. For instance it would be much more emphatic if we could understand more of how he was put in such a predicament that he was completely helpless to the whims of her. A flashback would be very helpful here in informing the reader of what exactly was going on. It would also add depth to your story which it sorely needs for it is quite surface level if you get what i mean. Just work on the grammar and the spelling and itl turn out great. Overall good work. I can't wait for more to be written.
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